


Running Out of Time

by acesquared



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2019-05-01 13:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14521830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acesquared/pseuds/acesquared
Summary: [This is a cross-post of a fanfiction of the same name that I published on fanfiction.net five years ago. Now that I have an Ao3 account and am actually reviving this thing, I'm posting it here as well]The Doctor faces the death of the woman he loves. This fic was slightly inspired by the "One last day with your beloved. Which day would you choose?" line from the Christmas Carol episode. But... not really.





	1. The Loss

**Author's Note:**

> I just got this idea in my head and could not let go of it until I wrote it. This was a quick write up with no edits so excuse any mistakes that might have been made. Also, apologies in advance for the feels. I am so so sorry. I made myself cry while writing this [and then again 5 years later while re-reading it].

The Doctor’s head snapped up as he heard the shot ring out. Across the room he saw a UNIT soldier collapse to the ground, having been possessed and subsequently released by their current telepathic foe. But that didn’t matter right now; where was the bullet? He located it in nanoseconds and his body was flooded with icy horror as he met the hazel eyes of his blonde companion. The bullet was still flying through the air and he began to move toward Rose even as his senses were telling him that there was nothing he could do to stop it. The blonde would not have enough time to move, nor did he have enough time to get to her. He felt his body shudder as his time sense alerted him of the event clicking into place; a fixed point. Desperately he scrambled for ways that he would be able to save this girl, his companion, the woman he loved. The world was moving in slow motion even as she continued to twist her body to face him. She had been facing the shooter when the shot was fired but was twisting to get one last look at him, her Doctor. At the panicked look in her eyes the Doctor did the only thing he could think of. He took hold of the Web of Time, and he pulled, hard.

The world went blindingly white around them as time stopped. No. Time had not stopped. It was them. Just them. The Doctor and Rose stared at each other in that blinding expanse of white. After a moment Rose, in a trembling voice, asked, “Where are we? Wha’ did you do?”

The Doctor was choking on tears as he responded thickly, “We are nowhere and nowhen. Oh, Rose…” he whispered her name softly, a prayer from his lips. When the answer came, it was halting. “We have ceased to exist for this moment. We could stay here together. Forever.” Even as he said the words, his time sense rallied against the notion, warning him of the consequences of such an action. But he ignored it, for Rose, he would do anything. For her, he would tear apart the Universe.

Rose stepped closer as she saw the flicker in his eyes. She gently caught the Time Lord’s hand in her own and brought it up to her cheek. “At what cost, Doctor?” she asked gently, suspecting the answer.

“My Rose,” he said with a cringing smile that failed to reach his eyes, “always asking the right questions.” He sighed heavily and drew her warm human body to his chest. She relaxed into his embrace and placed one hand behind his neck and the other on his chest. With her head settled on his chest she could hear the steady beat of his right heart as her hand felt the pulse of the left. She curled the fingers of her left hand into his hair, scratching his scalp and attempting to encourage him to speak. The Time Lord let out a rattling breath and answered her question. “As we speak, here and now, our Universe – every Universe – is unraveling. I stopped existence for a few stolen moments with you.” He felt as the blonde tensed in his arms and dropped his hands to run soothing circles on her back. “It’s reversible damage, for now. What I’m doing right now, it breaks every law I was raised with. This goes against everything I am. But for you…” he let the words trail off, knowing that they didn’t need saying, she knew, she had to know.

Rose swallowed numbly and pulled away from him slightly to look into his deep brown eyes. “How long do we have before the damage is permanent?”

She saw a hundred different emotions flit through his eyes before he answered her; pain, terror, possessiveness, love, protectiveness, but finally they set on pride, because he knew that Rose was doing what he was too weak to do right now. She was being the Defender of the Universe; defending it from him. “Maybe twenty minutes more,” he choked out.

Her breath caught as she heard him speak, the pain in his words driving home the reality that she only had twenty minutes left to live. Because she knew, she knew that when he restarted time, there was simply no way either of them could move fast enough to prevent the bullet from striking a deadly blow. She touched his cheek softly. “Then let’s make the time count, yeah?” She offered a small smile before she pulled him down into a passionate kiss.

This was their first kiss, or at least, their first real kiss. He didn’t count the time on the Bad Wolf Game Station, she hadn’t even remembered. Nor did he count the hot messy affair on New Earth, that hadn’t been Rose at all. But this, this kiss, it was _so_ Rose. It was just dripping with the human-y feel of his pink and yellow girl. He grasped her tighter in his arms as he deepened the kiss, pouring all his love and emotion into this simple action. He felt her clinging to him, twisting her hands in his hair and he knew that she needed this just as much as he did. Time; never in his laughably long life had he ever felt the seconds tick away so quickly. He would trade centuries of his life for just a few more moments with Rose. His Rose.

He brushed his fingers against her temple and gently pushed his mind against her. He needed this; he needed to see her, for all she truly was. He growled in frustration as he realized that there was no way she would understand what he wanted, or how to give it to him. This human, his pink and yellow human, was not telepathic, nor did she possess the control to willingly grant his access to her mind. She whimpered in response to his action and suddenly he was surrounded by her. Everything she was thinking feeling and experiencing was assaulting his senses. Everything around him was just Rose. For a moment he reeled at the fact that she had not only succeeded in pulling him into her mind but also seemed to be aware of his presence and glimpsing through his own thoughts as well. _‘My Rose,’_ he thought to her, _‘My brilliant, fantastic, impossible Rose.’_

Without further delay he began to deepen their connection, letting her see into his mind as well, albeit not as openly as he now saw hers. She seemed to know without his say so that the dark corners that haunted the back corners of his mind were off limits, even to her. He felt her sadness at that; but not at the fact that he was locking her out. _‘I want t’help you, Doctor. I wan’ t’ease your pain. Any way I can.’_ He was overwhelmed as her powerful human emotions of love and care washed over him in waves; the emotions were made even more poignant by his continued presence in her mind. He saw memories flash by, whether they were hers or his he didn’t know.

Flashes of the him with the daft face and the big ears flashed before his mind’s eye along with her innocent nineteen-year-old thoughts of how saddened she was that he seemed so broken at times. He watched as, in her memories, she did her best to help him see the beauty in the universe once more. He smiled as he remembered those times with her. Running with her through Henrik’s, standing on a platform watching as the sun expanded and the Earth met its end, seeing her for the first time in what he would always call her Cardiff Dress (for a moment he felt her push a cheeky thought at him before he was washed over in a more specific memory _“You look beautiful… considering that you’re human.”_ ) He quickly moved to reassure her but was met with the mental equivalent of a giggle as she reassured him that she knew. It was at that moment that the Doctor realized at some point they had broken their kiss. They were simply standing there. The Doctor and Rose Tyler, with their foreheads pressed against one another and their arms curled protectively around one another. The memories quickly rolled on: Slitheen, masked child, the Dalek in Utah (a shiver went through both of them). Her memories sped up and he barely caught a glimpse of himself comforting her after she watched her father die in her arms (he felt a sliver of pain through his heart as he realized that that would be him in just moments), Captain Jack (he felt her mental tounge-in-teeth grin at that memory), dancing. She stopped for a moment at the dancing, relishing in reliving his strong arms holding her as they gleefully danced around the TARDIS. The Doctor shifted his grip on her and suddenly they really were reliving it. The tall, skinny, pinstriped Doctor led her through the same steps that they had done what seemed like eons ago. She gasped slightly as he dipped her and this time he placed a tender kiss on her lips before lifting her back to her feet. And then, two words flash through both of their minds: Bad Wolf. The events on the Game Station quickly follow, with him filling in the gaps of her memory at the time she spent as the goddess.

He felt her shock when she watched him regenerate and pulled her tighter to him as they began on their journey through more recent memories. Christmas, New Earth, werewolves and the Queen (“We are not amused” and a playful reminder that he had yet to pay up on their bet), Sarah Jane, followed almost indecipherably by a blonde Frenchwoman and bitter feelings of jealousy, Cybermen, and crazy television ladies, Devils, and LINDA, and a drawing accompanied by an Olympic torch and edible ball bearings (he felt his lips quirk up at that). Then, most recently, parallel worlds and Daleks and Cybermen and his huge sigh of relief when she had held on to the lever long enough for the Void to close. He felt her twinge of sorrow at knowing that she would never see her mother again and she felt his wave of guilt shortly following that. _‘I promised her that I would keep you safe. I’m failing that right now. You should have stayed with her, at least you would be–’_ She cut him off sharply with a mental version of the infamous Tyler slap. He reeled for a moment and absently the thought that she was quite in control of her mental actions for a non-telepath flitted across his mind. He felt her wave of apology shortly afterward.

_‘I wouldn’t have traded the time I spent with you for anything, Doctor. I love you.’_ At that, they both opened their eyes. He wrapped his arms tighter around her and planted a tender kiss on her lips. He was about to mentally respond when he thought better of it. She deserved more than that. She deserved to hear him say it.

Carefully, he placed the fingers of both hands on her temples, washing the full presence of his mind over her, even the parts he had locked away from her moments before. She gasped in shock as the images flitted through her mind. He was careful not to overwhelm her human mind with the details that he held on to so readily. He glossed over the Time War, only giving her a ghosting taste of the bitterness housed there. Then, as he reached the end of his long line of memories he took a deep breath and he said, both out loud and her mind, _“Rose Tyler, I love you with every atom of my existence.”_ To accompany the words, he sent with it the mental message, flowing musical Gallifreyan invaded her mind and occupied every corner of their joined connection. In those words, he assured her that he would always love her and allayed her human fears that she would be forgotten. He kissed her forehead softly and buried his nose in her long blonde locks of hair. He inhaled deeply and began cataloging every minute detail of the pink and yellow human that he held in his arms. He felt the warmth of her body, and the sensation of her breath against his neck. He took another deep breath and reveled in her scent; strawberries, and lilies, and something else that was distinctly Rose. After he had finished memorizing his Rose he reluctantly reached out with his time sense. He recoiled sharply at the offending number he found. Two minutes, that’s all he had left with his sweet beautiful Rose. How could he possibly say everything he needed to tell her in only two minutes?

Having felt his response in her mind and getting the fleeting number two flashed across her own as his thoughts flew into a blind panic, she roughly grabbed his head and pulled him down to her by his hair and kissed him desperately with everything she had. The mental connection made the kiss even more overwhelming and for a moment his thoughts quieted to a murmur as he held her in his arms. Feeling him calm, she pulled back and gently eased her way out of his grasp. He groaned softly as their mental connection broke and she put about a foot of space between them.

“You ‘ave ta let me go,” she said simply.

He opened his mouth to protest, to insist that he couldn’t possibly live without her.

She silenced him with a sharp look. “Doctor, I’m not gonna let you let the Universe fall ta pieces jus’ so we can be together. Look aroun’ us,” she gestured widely at the white expanse of nothingness surrounding them, “Wha’ would life be in here? This isn’ life, Doctor, an’ you know it. You’ve shown me wonderful things, beautiful things. I’m not gonna let you throw tha’ away, no’ even for me.” He voice had slowly risen until she was nearly shouting at him, her fear plainly evident in her voice if not her words. He reached out and caught her hand with his, reveling in the perfect way they always seemed to wrap around each other. Taking a deep breath, she continued in a gentle tone, “Everything has a time, Doctor. Mine is now. You ‘ave to let me go.”

At that he did protest, “This is _not_ your time, Rose Tyler. You have so much life left to live. A brilliant life. You–”

She silenced him by pressing her lips into his softly. Her body melted into his and with one last mental prod she said, _‘You must.’_

He sighed, “Even now, you are making me a better man.” He squeezed his eyes shut and clutched her tightly to him as he felt their last seconds tick by. Then, with a moan of defeat, he let go.

The world seemed to spin around them as everything came back in blinding color. The noise in the room was deafening, but in a moment, it was drowned out by the sound of blood rushing in his ears as the bullet hit home. Rose’s eyes screwed closed in pain as the metal bit into her chest. He ran over to her and caught her just before she fell. In the back of his mind he could hear Jack calling out to him, asking how bad it was _. Bad, it’s bad, Jack,_ was all he could think. As he lowered her gently to the floor he located where the bullet had hit. Blood was seeping from the right side of her torso. Right lung. He assessed. Already he could hear her breath rattling out as gasps. It was all too fast, everything was going too fast. He could feel her slipping away already. He clutched her tightly to his chest, trying not to cause her too much pain. Absently, he realized that he was murmuring, but what was he saying. He gathered his wits enough to realize that he was proclaiming his undying love for her in High Gallifreyan. He felt the shiver of power that jolted through him as he uttered the words. The musical tones seeming to sooth her pain as her face gained a calm quality. She reached up to his face gently as he continued to chant the words of love. Although she couldn’t possibly understand the language, there was no mistaking the message his words held. She pulled in a breath to say the words that she couldn’t give him aloud earlier. He put his forehead to hers and his babbling Gallifreyan gained an even more frenzied quality as he felt her slipping further away. With her last breaths he heard her gasp, “I love you, my Doctor.” As she said the words her right hand tangled in his hair and pulled his lips down for one last kiss. He could feel the warmth seeping from her body already. He could taste the coppery tang of blood on her lips. He felt her hand slip from his hair, limp.

As he held her body in his arms he showered her face with soft kisses: eyelids, lips, nose, forehead, cheeks. Over and over he worshiped her body, pleading with gods he had never believed in to bring her back. He could hear the muted sounds of people moving around him, he knew that there was still a danger loose, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as he held his angel in his arms. Minutes, or hours, later his senses came back to him full force and he could hear that the battle was over. He looked up to see Jack standing before him, alone, with red rimmed eyes. The captain said nothing, just stood there, offering his presence as the only comfort he could. The Doctor was about to ask what that terrible noise was when he realized that the pitiful keening sound that was filling the room was coming from himself. He felt his body shudder as another wave of sobs overtook him and he felt himself collapse once more over the still form of his love. He heard but did not respond to the sound of UNIT soldiers entering the room. Coiling his body protectively around Rose’s, he looked up with a fierce look in his eyes, daring anyone in the room to touch her. Jack quickly moved to block UNIT from entering the room, assuring them that they would have a chance to look over the damages later.

As Jack Harkness looked down at his friend, his heart broke for how broken the Time Lord seemed at that moment. The look in his eyes was just plain feral and Jack knew that it would take a long time for the Lonely God to recover from this loss.

For the first time, the Doctor was unaware of how much time had passed. Seconds, minutes, hours, days; What did they matter when Rose was gone? How could they matter when the brightest light in all the universe had just gone out? The Time Lord felt difficulty breathing that even his respiratory bypass couldn’t seem to help. She was gone. Gone, gone, gone. Rose Tyler would never again walk the Earth; or any other planet for that matter. She was gone. The Time Lord felt a soothing hand on his shoulder. He looked up to meet the startlingly blue eyes of Jack Harkness.

“Doctor, we have to go. UNIT is getting impatient. I’ll help you move her.” He moved to lift Rose’s limp form and a growl bubbled up from the alien’s throat. Jack quickly backed away with his hands raised. The Doctor sighed and shook his head. Jack was right, UNIT needed to get into the room, the ex-time agent had held them off for long enough. The Time Lord gently lifted his human girl into his arms and, with Jack trailing close behind him, made his way toward the TARDIS.

The Doctor gently placed Rose down on one of the beds in the TARDIS medbay. He tried not to notice how the new pale tone of her skin matched the white of the walls, or how much the dried blood on her clothes contrasted it. He roughly wiped his face with his hands and ran them quickly through his hair leaving it sticking up in a crazed and manic way. He quickly left the room and took the TARDIS controls, leading them out to deep space where he might find somewhere to grieve in peace. He was startled out of his depressed musings when the TARDIS phone rang sharply. He growled and chose to ignore it. Whoever it was, the Universe could survive without him for one day, and even if it couldn’t, he found it hard to find a part of him that cared. When the phone had finished ringing, he let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding. He moved around the console, absently stroking different controls. In his mind he was debating whether or not he could handle returning to the side of Rose’s dead body. He was shaken from his thoughts when the phone began its shrill incessant noise once again. He glared at the phone as if it was at fault for Rose’s death. He moved to ignore it again when he felt a sharp wave of command from his TARDIS. Answer it, she ordered.

He sighed and ignored both the phone and his time ship. The phone fell silent once more and he started up the ramp to return to the MedBay. This time, when the phone started ringing, the TARDIS’s command was enough to drive the Doctor to his knees. He reluctantly made his way to his feet and to the phone. He hesitated only a moment before picking up the receiver and holding it to his ear. He did not speak into the phone; honestly, he didn’t want to know what was waiting for him on the other line. Churchhill, calling him in yet again, UNIT requesting him to return and give a full report, any number of government agencies across the Universe asking their precious Doctor for help; the list went on and on. When there was not a sound on the other end of the line he sighed heavily and moved to hang up the call. But then, an ethereal voice on the line froze him in his tracks. _“I am the Bad Wolf.”_ Then the line went dead. He dropped the phone and sprinted from the control room.

In seconds he was at Rose’s bedside once more, pleading with her to open her eyes. When Jack moved to comfort the deranged Time Lord he lashed out violently at the Captain. He turned back to Rose and began murmuring Gallifreyan to her once more. When he saw that nothing was happening he began to swear and curse Bad Wolf for ever giving him hope. Then, in the back of his mind, he felt the TARDIS gently pushing him toward a suggestion. He watched as she showed him, in his mind’s eye, an image of him carrying Rose to the control room. Then a brilliant golden light filled his mind as what he knew to be as the Heart of the TARDIS consumed Rose’s form. Quickly and barely daring to hope, the Doctor gathered the blonde woman in his arms and rushed her out to the control room. He gently laid her down on the grating, close to the control deck. He fisted his hands in his own hair as he prayed to the lost sons and daughters of Gallifrey that this would work. He looked away as a brilliant gold light filled the control room. He screwed his eyes shut and still gasped in pain at the sensation of the vortex running over his skin, leaving goosebumps all along his arms. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as pure unadulterated power ran through the control room. Then everything fell silent and it was dark.

The Doctor gingerly opened his eyes and looked around. Most of the lights in the room had shorted out with the energy spike. The emergency lighting along the edges of the room cast a haunting glow. He looked at the grating at his feet and choked. A small sound halfway between a whimper and a wail racked through his body as he realized that Rose was no longer at his feet. He wildly looked around for the body of his beloved human but found her nowhere. He fell to his knees and let the wrenching sobs tear through him. A moment later he felt a warm human hand on his shoulder. He tore himself away from the comforting touch, thinking that it was Jack. He turned around to tell the Captain to leave him alone. His breath caught in his throat as he saw her. She was standing right there, his Rose, all pink and yellow, with her long golden hair cascading down her back and her loose jeans and pink hoodie and dirty broken in trainers. He pulled in a deep sigh and nearly moaned in relief when the comfortingly familiar scent of Rose hit his senses. He scrambled to his feet and swept her up in a burning passionate kiss. She knotted her fingers in his hair so tightly that he felt some hair ripped from his scalp, but he didn’t care and only kissed her harder. Suddenly, he had a terrifying thought and pulled back. He rested his forehead on hers and pleaded, “Please tell me this is real. This is too cruel if it isn’t.”

“Yeah, m’real, Doctor,” she said with a smile. But a moment later it faded as the catch sunk into her mind. “Bu’…” He gripped her tighter at the word. She sighed and scratched his scalp just behind his ear in a way that she knew would make him relax. As the tension drained from his body she continued, “In order t’ save me, the TARDIS had t’ do a few things. Make a few changes… an- an’ there are rules.”

“Anything,” he breathed as he looked deep into her hazel eyes and observed each fleck of gold he found there.

“I can’t leave the TARDIS. She’s sor’ of like my life-support. I can only exist inside her.”

He barked a bitter laugh at that. “Well, I live inside the TARDIS, so that shouldn’t be a problem. I mean, it’s bigger on the inside and we have rooms that will show you scans of just about every planet. We can make it work to where you can still see the Universe.” He went on babbling in his way and it was so familiar that she hinted a smile. After a few more moments he caught the sad look in her eye and the words died in his throat. He swallowed thickly, “There’s more, isn’t there?”

She nodded gently. She disentangled her hands from his hair and laid each of her hands on either side of his chest, feeling the double time pulse of his heartsbeat. “Time…” she swallowed, “Twenty-four hours for every Earth year tha’ passes on the TARDIS. Tha’s how long I can physically manifest. The res’ of the time, I’m in the TARDIS, watching. I’ll be able t’ hear you and watch you, bu’… I can’t respond. One day, tha’s all we get.”

His face fell as her words sank in. 24 hours. His time sense quickly told him that that was the equivalent of 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds. He felt his pulse quicken and his breath catch as he calculated how much of that time they had already spent. Four minutes and thirty-two seconds, thirty-three, thirty-four. Rose stepped closer to him as she saw his rising panic. She could almost hear him in his mind screaming out the seconds as they passed. She gently brushed her lips against his to bring him back to her. “We can do a lot in 24 hours, Doctor. Don’ worry. We’ll make it work. And this way,” she inched closer and brushed her lips against the outer shell of his ear, making him shiver. “I’m neve’ gonna leave you. I can stay with you. Forever.” A quake ran through him as she reaffirmed her promise to him and punctuated it with a kiss to his temple.

“Forever,” he whispered. He paused then said, “It’s already been five minutes, love.” She pulled away and quirked a small smile at him before she was bathed in golden light. He watched as her form shimmered and she seemed to break up into a billion particles of gold light and dissolve into the air of the TARDIS. “Forever,” he murmured once more, this time in Gallifreyan and he felt a warm pulse of love embrace him.

As he closed his eyes to let the wave wash over him, he thought quietly to himself, _‘The Doctor and Rose Tyler, in the TARDIS, as it should be… Forever…’_

In the doorway to the console room Jack stood. He had seen the whole exchange between the two lovers and tears pricked at his eyes as he wondered at the challenges to come for his two friends. Softly he caressed the nearest coral strut and said, “If anyone can manage a relationship this complicated, it’s the two of you, Rosie. Good luck.” He felt a loving pulse through the hand that was touching the coral and he smiled softly as he made his way down the ramp to the Doctor.


	2. A Hand to Hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Doctor experiences an adjustment period and comes to terms with a hard truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have decided to continue on with this story, just because it won’t stop bugging me. However, I do believe that it does stand nicely on its own if you only read chapter one. That being said, here is chapter two.

One month. 30 days, 730 hours, 43,829 minutes, 2.6 million seconds. That’s how much time had passed, and the days still hadn’t gotten any easier. The Time Lord often worked himself into a quiet rage before Rose would finally make an appearance and soothe him.

At first, they had thought to divide the 24 hours evenly throughout the year, yielding an allotment of approximately four minutes per day. It had quickly become apparent that this strategy was highly unlikely to succeed. The Time Lord had quickly grown angry at the short timing of the “rationed” moments and had even, on occasion, lashed out at Rose and Jack. After two weeks, at which point Jack had been nearly hit in the head by blunt metal objects more times than he could count, Rose insisted that he leave the TARDIS. The captain was quick to argue, making the point that, being immortal, he was probably the best person in the Universe to bear witness to the Time Lord’s violent mood swings. However, after a stern look from Rose and a kiss on his cheek and a whispered “I don’t want to risk him losing you too,” he finally caved and agreed to be dropped off in London along with a promise that he would be checking up on them both.

Currently, the couple was standing at the base of the time rotor, simply looking into each other’s eyes while the Doctor struggled to regain control of the fire that simmered in his soul at losing her near constant presence by his side. The boy in pinstripes ran his hand violently through his hair and heaved a sigh, “I thought we could get this to work, but it’s just- it’s just too hard,” he murmured. Biting his lip in frustration he covered his eyes and then quickly brought his hands back down, remembering that every moment with Rose in his sight was precious. The blonde, for her part, could think of little else to do but give a small comforting smile. It pained her to see the man she loved so deeply in so much pain.

“You need someone, Doctor. You told me once tha’ most of all you need a hand t’ hold. I can’ be that hand anymore. I may still be here in spirit, bu’ you need someone who’ll be there, t’ help you heal; someone whose time isn’t on a budget,” Rose’s voice cracked as she said these words. She wanted, desperately, to be what he needed, but she knew that simply wasn’t possible, not right now.

The broken man looked into the eyes of his golden angel. “How?” The single word broke her heart as it fell from his lips. “How do I find someone to share the universe with after you? How do I subject someone to this life, knowing the risks?”

The blonde forced her lips to quirk into a smile. “You do wha’ you always do,” she said, slipping her hand down his arm, “You grab them by the hand,” her fingers found his and locked them together, she brought his hand up and brushed her lips softly against his knuckles, “you look them in the eye,” she met his gaze steadily, “and you say, ‘run!’” And then she was gone, scattered into millions of gold particles already dissipating into the TARDIS.

The Doctor shut his eyes tightly as he closed his hand around the empty air where her warm hand had been clasped in his just moments before.

Another brilliant gold flash startled him, and he opened his eyes. Standing in front of the Doctor was, not a blonde Rose Tyler as he had been expecting, but a severe looking red-head in what looked to be a wedding dress.

“What?”

“Who are you?”

“What?”

“Where am I?”

“What?!”

“What the hell is this place?!”

“What?!”

The Doctor frantically ran his hands through his hair and looked at the time rotor incredulously. “But… that’s not possible, we’re…. We’re in deep space. How did—What?!” He looked from the time rotor to the woman and back again and then let his eyes wander up to look at the body of the TARDIS in general. Under his breath he muttered, “Oh, what did you do, love?”

“Well, if you’re done talking to yourself, I’d like some answers if you don’t mind!” The Doctor turned his attention back to the woman, still partially reluctant to believe that she was really there. “I demand you tell me where I am, right now!”

“You’re inside the TARDIS,” he answered dumbly.

“What the bloody hell is a TARDIS!?” the woman squawked stepping closer to the Time Lord. The Doctor moved around the rotor slightly to put more distance between him and the strange woman. “That’s not even a proper word!”

Ignoring her statement, the Doctor leaned closer, “How did you get in here?”

The woman looked slightly offended as she nearly shouted, “Well, obviously you kidnapped me!” She proceeded to rant about some woman named Nerys. The Doctor quickly tuned out her monologue in favor of looking quizzically at the woman and attempting to kick-start his bigger-on-the-inside Time Lord brain.

“Wait! Hold on… what are you dressed like that for?” he said, finally seeming to realize that the woman who had mysteriously appeared in his TARDIS was dressed for a wedding.

“Well, clearly, I’m on my way to a tea-party. What do you think I’m dressed like this for, Dumbo!? I’m about to be married!” The Doctor reeled backward as he quickly recognized the signs that he was about to get slapped (thank you Jackie Tyler). He resumed his fascination with the TARDIS controls, desperately trying to come up with an explanation as to how this woman was inside his TARDIS, in the middle of deep space, without the door having been opened, and apparently, from what he could gather in her rant, transported about halfway across the Universe from an Earth wedding.

While he was busy frantically turning controls he didn’t notice as she slipped around the console and made her way to the TARDIS doors. The TARDIS gave him a mental nudge and he looked up just in time to see her lay her hands on the door handles. “No, don’t! Wait!” He sighed resignedly as she threw the doors open and took in the sight of the clear vast ocean of stars that was open space. He slowly walked up to her. “You’re in space… Outer space. This is my, erm, space ship. It’s called the TARDIS.”

It seemed that the shock of being in space had taken the fight out of the fiery red-head, at least for the time being. She looked up at him and asked, “Who are you?”

“I’m the Doctor. And you?”

“Donna. Donna Noble.” She still seemed a bit shaken at her discovery.

After an appraising look the Doctor simply said, “Human?”

Giving him a startled glance Donna turned to him slightly, “Yeah… Is that optional?”

The Doctor, relaxing slightly as he began to see that the situation wasn’t dangerous, at least not immediately so, said in a teasing tone, “Weeellllll, it is for me.”

Her eyes widened a tiny bit as she spoke, “You’re an alien.”

“Yep,” he said, popping the p and looking at her with a twinkle in his eye. Quickly he closed the TARDIS doors and ran back up the ramp, grabbing various tools and using them to examine Donna, all the while babbling at his insanely high-speeds. If he had been more aware of Rose’s ever constant aura he would have felt a wave of amusement coming from both her and the TARDIS. He also would have felt the amusement grow ten-fold when Donna Noble slapped him across the face and demand that he take her back to the church this instant.

He recovered from the slap almost instantly and began setting the TARDIS to take them back down to Earth.

While the babbling alien worked at his controls Donna let her gaze wander around the ship that he had called the TARDIS. Her eyes fell on a slip of purple fabric that hung on a railing across the room. Upon further examination she realized it to be a shirt, a woman’s shirt. “I knew it!” she said; brandishing article of clothing. “I’m not the first, am I? How many women have you abducted?”

The Doctor’s face fell as he recognized the shirt. Donna had been providing such a brilliant distraction that the pain of missing Rose had receded to a dull ache, but now, seeing that shirt, the stabbing pain came back all to clearly. “That… That belongs to a friend.”

Donna, clearly oblivious of his sudden change in demeanor, pressed on, “Well, where is she then? Popped out for a space-walk?”

“She’s gone,” he said simply, longing to call his Rose out for just a few moments, but knowing that they didn’t have the time to spare, especially not with Donna present. He cringed slightly at the long-winded explanation that would surely warrant.

“What do you mean, gone? Gone where?”

“I lost her,” he nearly choked on the words and his throat made a small constricted sound at the end.

But Donna drowned it out with her proclamation of “Well you can hurry up and lose me!” The Time Lord simply continued to pilot the TARDIS. After a moment of studying his face Donna rethought her words and asked, “How d’ya mean ‘lost’?” Instead of answering, the Doctor just gave the red head a long hard look.

A moment later Rose gave him a good-natured but stiff mental jab and he shook the dark thoughts away. He grabbed the shirt from Donna’s hand while she stood there stunned and dropped it on Rose’s place at the jump seat before energetically setting coordinates. “All right then! St. Mary’s, Chiswick, London, England, Earth, in the Solar System! Allons-y!”

Hours later, Donna and the Doctor stood with the TARDIS in front of the Noble household. The Doctor was musing quietly while Donna rattled on about the day’s events.  _‘Well, I did it. I managed to get through a day saving the world… without Rose.’_  As he looked at Donna he contemplated Rose’s earlier urging at finding another “hand to hold.” He looked at Donna appraisingly, she was strong-willed, she spoke her mind, and she had already saved his life once. He was sure that if she hadn’t been there to stop him and pull him back he might’ve drowned with the Racnoss. “So, what’re you gonna do now?” he asked, trying to figure out how he might ask this fiery, severe, no-nonsense red-head if she would like to travel with him.

He almost lit up when she said the words “travel a bit” and had to clamp down the urge to interrupt her. When she had finished answering he said hesitantly, “Well, you could always… travel with me?”

“No,” she said softly.

He tried to quickly veil his disappointment. “Okay.” He considered asking again, after all, Rose had said no the first time too. This option was quickly dashed as she continued speaking.

“No, but really... everything we did today... do you live your life like that?” she said, sounding a bit overwhelmed.

“… Not all the time,” he said. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he also really wanted to convince her to join him.

She looked at him skeptically, “I think you do. And, I couldn’t.”

He looked at her, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to convince her but willing to give one last try, “But you’ve seen it out there. It’s beautiful.”

Quickly she responded, “And it’s terrible. That place was flooding and burning, and they were dying, and you were stood there like... I don’t know... a stranger. And then you made it snow - I mean, you scare me to death!”

“Well, then, I guess I can understand that,” he said, rubbing his neck. “I guess, I’d best be off. Happy Christmas, Donna.” He bowed his head slightly and began to duck into the TARDIS.

“Doctor!” she said, reaching out to grab his retreating sleeve.

He poked his head back out and grinned at her, hoping she had changed her mind.

“Just… promise me one thing; Find someone,” she said softly. She had seen the hurt in his eyes when he spoke of his friend.

His face fell at her words and he said quietly, “I don’t need anyone.”

She shook her head as if she were chastising a small child, “Yes, you do. Because sometimes, I think you need someone to stop you.”

He looked at her with a mix of awe and respect, “Yeah. Thanks then, Donna - good luck - and just... be magnificent.”

“I will,” she said with a smile.

The Doctor smiled and began to pull his head back into the TARDIS once more.

“Doctor?” she said gently.

He heaved an exasperated sigh and leaned on the doorframe. “What now?” Even as he tried to sound irritated there was still a slight quirk to his lips.

“That friend of yours… what was her name?”

Shocked at the question, the Doctor just looked at her for a moment before he said quietly, “Her name was Rose.” He felt a wave of comfort coming from the interior of the TARDIS as his blonde girl sought to fill the hole that was threatening to pull him under. With a sigh, he closed the door and returned to the controls. He hesitated only a moment before he set the controls to take them back into the vortex. With a small smile on his lips he caressed the time rotor softly, “My Rose, I think we’re going to be okay. It’s just a bit of a learning curve, I suppose.” He smiled wider as he felt and heard both Rose and the TARDIS humming in agreement.


	3. Overheard Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't just tell companions about your dead-not-dead former companion still traveling on-board... can you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one came together quite nicely. Easier than chapter two. Enjoy!

“You’ll never guess where we went today, love. Wellll, I suppose you probably already know, seeing as you’re best mates with my TARDIS. But I’m gonna go ahead and tell you anyway. I’ll give you a hint first: Applegrass! Yep, yeah, we were on New Earth. You remember New Earth, don’t you? New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York with your New New Doctor? Yeah, those were the days. Can’t say it smelled as good as it did last time though… See, we spent most of our time beneath the surface. Oh! You should have seen Martha! She was brilliant! Y’know, I think she’s getting the hang of this companion thing, yeah. Not as good as you were, at least not yet. Buuuuut she’ll get there, I suppose.”

The Doctor continued babbling on about the day’s adventures. He was lounging comfortably in the captain’s jump seat with his converse clad feet propped up on the control panel. To the outward observer he was talking to empty air. This is what Martha saw and heard when she crept silently through the door to the control room. She looked at the Doctor quizzically when she realized that no one else was in the room, but remained silent, not wanting to startle him. She preened a bit when he complimented her brilliance but was quickly grounded when he said that she “wasn’t as good.” Who the hell was he talking to anyway? She began carefully backing away, resolving that this alien man that she was travelling with really was quite mad, even if he was a bit cute. She smiled at that thought and for a moment lost herself in her own fantasies where the Doctor would forget about “good ol’ Rose” and actually pay attention to her for once.

Suddenly, the Doctor quieted. Martha froze, thinking maybe he had heard her movement. The Time Lord looked around and Martha ducked behind a coral strut, hoping he hadn’t seen her. Quietly, in a much sadder tone than before, the Doctor continued, “I told her about Gallifrey,” he choked slightly. “The Face of Boe, you remember him, big ol’ head? Was there in the year 5 billion. Sun expands, Earth gets roasted…” he paused, “That was our first date. We had chips.” The Doctor swallowed a lump in his throat and felt a wave of comfort wash over him, though he was unable to distinguish whether it was Rose or the TARDIS herself… Probably both. Regaining some of his usual bravado he plowed on, “Welll, anyway, Face of Boe, he was dying you see, he had just saved the remaining population of New Earth and well, there was a prophecy that said that a “wandering traveler,” I suppose that’s me, would get to hear some great secret from the old lump. Well, great big secret, you know I have to know, I love secrets! So, I get up close to him and he says, with his mouth, mind you, not his head, he says, “You are not alone.” I mean, what’s that supposed to mean. Anyway, after that,” he pauses, choking a bit again. “After that, I told Martha all about it. The Time War, the Daleks, everything.” He paused. “Oh, yes, but I don’t understand how he could say that. Rose, how could he say that I’m not alone? I feel so alone sometimes, not just physically, but mentally too. All the time lords, they should be here,” he gestured to his temple, “In my head, but every time I look, it’s empty. Just… so, so empty.”

By this point the Time Lord didn’t realize that there were tracks of moisture running down his cheeks and he barely blinked at the golden haze that announced Rose’s presence. Martha bit down a gasp as the blonde woman moved toward the defeated Time Lord and sat quietly next to him on the jump seat. She curled up and situated herself underneath his arm and just held him to her and let him hold her. They sat there for a moment, in silence. Rose tucked her head into his chest and listened to the steady drumming of his hearts before she sighed. He pulled back slightly at the sound and she raised her head, so her chin was resting on his chest and her eyes met his, “You aren’t alone, love. ‘e’s right. And I know how much i’ hurts to have so much emptiness in your head, bu’ when you start feeling tha’, remember. Remember how much fullness you have in your hearts. Then, you grab onto that feeling, and you run with it. And you never let go. Love, Doctor, tha’s what makes you so brilliant. You have so much love. Love for Earth, and humans, even when we mess up and make complete apes of ourselves, you still love us.”

He smiled for a moment at that and then placed a feather-light kiss on her forehead. “But you have it all wrong. See, love isn’t _my_ strength. It’s yours. Rose, from the very first adventure I took you on, that platform, high above Earth, you just loved  _so much_. That’s how you helped me. That’s how you healed me. You look at everything from a perspective of compassion and optimism.” He laughed, a slightly bitter sound. “Bloody hell, I mean, the first time you encountered a Dalek, your touch made it mutate into… Well, I know you don’t like talking about it.” He amended, feeling her stiffen at the mention of the events in Utah. “What I’m trying to say is that you love so completely. If I love at all, it’s only because you taught me how to after…” he trailed off, not wanting to bring up the Time War yet again.

Rose shifted slightly, inadvertently pulling away from him. He gripped her tighter to his chest and clung to her like he was a drowning man and she was a life preserver. She brought herself up to his eye level and stared into his eyes before planting a lingering kiss on his lips.

Martha turned away slightly from the scene before her. As baffled as she was about the exact dynamics of this turn of events, there was no doubt in her mind that this woman was Rose, the Doctor’s Rose, the one he had lost, or so he had said. She slowly and quietly crept out of the control room and back to her bedroom. Or at least, that’s where she thought she had been headed. When she twisted the door handle to her room, instead of finding the soft blues and silvers of the walls of her own room she was assaulted by various shades of pink, red, and gold.

She gasped softly and stepped into the room. The door snapped shut behind her and the lights in the room turned on automatically. As the golden glow filled the room she noted that it looked like the previous occupant had intended on returning. There were clothes scattered on the floor and drawers hung open with rejected outfits hanging out of them. Martha turned back to the door, intending to leave and return to her own room, only to find that the handle had disappeared. “What?” The woman backed away from the door slowly and further into the room. She sighed in resignation and began to explore the room carefully.

She examined the pictures on the wall more carefully. In some pictures she could see the Doctor, with his hair all crazy and his pinstriped suit. But there was something different about him. There was a light in his eyes that she had never seen before, even on his most “happy” days. She may have caught a glimpse of it here and there while they were alone on the TARDIS and he was absorbed in his work. He would often look up from his current tinkering project, eyes alight and full of mischief, and begin to speak quite animatedly, but then his eyes would fall on her and his face would lose some of its life before he quickly recovered and continued speaking in a falsely cheery tone. It was times like these that she was sure he had been looking up to talk to Rose, a realization that had always resulted in a sharp twist of jealousy in her gut as she forced a smile back at him.

Looking at the pictures on the wall only reaffirmed these suspicions when she saw that every single one of the pictures also carried the face of a certain blonde-haired girl. However, what puzzled Martha was that in some of these pictures, the older ones, by the younger look of Rose’s face, instead of the Doctor, there was another man. This man sported a dark leather jacket and a stony exterior. He had big ears and hard cold blue eyes. However, when he smiled at the Rose in the pictures she could see that to him this girl meant the world. Upon further examination of the pictures, Martha drew many similarities between the look that Rose gave the Doctor and the looks that she gave the strange leather clad man. Also, it appeared that the adoring glances that the man and the Doctor gave her also bore many similarities.

Shaking her head and backing away from the pictures Martha took another look around the room. She’d had her suspicions about who this room might have belonged to and the confirmation had been in those pictures. This room was the one that Rose had stayed in. She made her way back over to the door, determined to find a way out. But on her way there, something caught her eye. There, sitting on the desk, was a book. As Martha picked it up to examine it she realized that it wasn’t just a book, but a journal. She sat in the chair that was pulled up to the desk and wrestled with her conscience for a moment before quashing the guilt and opening the small red booklet. She opened it to the first page. Small, cramped writing met her eyes and she smirked.  _‘Well, at least I have better handwriting than this Rose girl…’_  Then she shook her head that how ridiculous it was to feel smug over a detail like that. She sighed and began to read.

_So, the Doctor got me this journal today. He said, and I quote, “You apes have such horrid memory, and with all the time travel we’re gonna be doing, it’s bound to get a bit confusing, do yer’self a favor and keep track of it.” I think at first, he was trying to be insulting by calling humans apes all the time, but I don’t think he realizes that it just makes him sound like an immature child. Oops, better not tell him I wrote that, or I’ll get lectured on the fact that he is a “high and mighty Time Lord” and they don’t do childish things. Well, I guess I better go. The TARDIS is making some weird sounds. Maybe we’ll go somewhere exciting. I hope there’s a lot of running. I would never admit this to him, but I love it when he takes my hand and we run. It’s… well, to use his word, it’s a bit fantastic._

Martha shook her head at what she had just read. _‘Well that doesn’t sound like the Doctor at all… Apes? And since when does he say fantastic?’_ She gave a snort and flipped to another page, this time one that was about halfway through the finished pages of the journal.

_I hate him. No, you know what… I don’t hate him. I hate her. Madame de Pompadour! Or Reinette _ _(Martha could almost hear the sneer in the girl’s writing and her own jealous self gave a little shout of victory that the “perfect couple” had some trouble of their own) I mean, who does she think she is? Actually, no, that’s a bad question; she’s the uncrowned Queen of France. But still! The Doctor goes through the fireplace and swans off to 18th century France with her! Mickey and I were left going around that god-awful ship all by ourselves. Those clockwork droids almost kill us, and he shows up, drunk off his arse, with a banana daiquiri and ARGH! He just makes me so mad sometimes. But I suppose, I mean, he is a Time Lord. What am I? I’m just some stupid ape that he brought along in his fancy time machine. I suppose that I really am nothing special. Anyways, then he goes and gets up on his horse, Arthur, he calls him, and rides off smashing through the last window. He left me… us, I mean us, stranded in the 52nd century for five and a half hours while he was off, god knows where… I think I need to go to sleep. I’m not thinking very clearly at the moment. Thank god Mickey was there today. I think I may have been underestimating him. I mean, if the Doctor… oh never mind._

Martha raised her brow in amusement at the apparent doubts going through the other woman’s head at the perceived attraction of the Doctor to this woman Madame de Pompadour. _‘Couldn’t have been the real one, right? Well, I guess it could have been. After all, if I’m the so called ‘Dark Lady’ of Shakespeare’s sonnets then why not?’_ At last Martha turned to the very last entry.

_I was almost a goner today. Well, I guess I’m almost a goner most days, but today was especially a close call. Damn Cybermen and Daleks, always showing up where they’re not wanted. Well, I guess it’s good that I got to see Mickey. But I’ll never get to see him or mum ever again. At least that’s what the Doctor told me. He said that now that the tear in the walls of the universe have been repaired that travel between worlds will be too dangerous. But at least we’ve seen the last of the Daleks… I hope. Anyways, we opened up the void so that all the void stuff would get sucked back in. Unfortunately, that included me and the Doctor, which is why we had a plan to hang on to these ‘things’ I don’t remember what they were called. But anyways, we used the levers from Torchwood to do it. But one of the Daleks hit the lever on my side and the machine was powering down. I had to let go in order to put it back. I was so scared. The Doctor was scared too. I don’t think he’ll ever admit it, but I saw it in his eyes and I felt it in how tight he hugged me when the Void closed, and everything shut down. For a few seconds there I thought I was gonna lose my grip. But then I thought about how much I lo—Nope. Can’t even say it here… What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just admit it? I see that he feels the same, but neither of us has ever said it. Oh well, I suppose we still have time. I’m just happy to still be here, with him. And I plan to stay that way. Forever, just like I promised._

Martha turned the page, looking for any other entries, but there were none. She felt a wave of sadness wash over her as she realized that he must have “lost her” on their very next adventure.  _‘But… I just saw her in the control room. So, she can’t really be lost… I mean, she was right there. I’m not crazy, I saw her.’_  

She sighed and put down the journal. She looked up to see that the doorknob had returned to its rightful place on the door and she shook her head slightly. Sometimes she felt like the TARDIS had a mind of its own. But even if it did, what was it playing at trying to get her to snoop around in Rose’s things?

The next morning the Doctor stumbled into the TARDIS kitchen groggily, rubbing his eyes and yawning widely. His hair was sticking up even worse than usual and his suit was rumpled in places. Martha looked up at him from where she was standing at the stove and her lips quirked up in a small smile at his disheveled appearance.  _‘At least he slept. Sometimes I wonder if he gets enough sleep.’_  She poured him a cup of tea and placed a plate of eggs in front of his usual seat. She lingered at the stove, toying with her own food, trying to think or what she should say to him about the things that she discovered last night. She had debated for a long while about whether she should say anything at all, but no matter what way she looked at it she could not get around the whole “Rose isn’t actually lost” thing. Her curious mind needed an explanation, no matter how much the other parts of her told her that whatever secret he was keeping was probably for a good reason and none of her business.

The Doctor eyed Martha for a moment. The woman had frozen, her hand still stirring her tea, a short time ago as if she were lost in thought. He pondered what she might be thinking for a moment before he lightly cleared his throat and began speaking, not liking the amount of quiet in the room. “Well, then, where are we off to today? Past? Future? Earth? Off-world? C’mon, whole Universe of possibilities out there, Martha Jones. Just waiting for little ol’ you n’ me.” He beamed at her with his 10,000-megawatt smile as she looked over at him. She offered him a sort of cringing smile in return. He furrowed his eyebrow at that.

“Okay, tell me what’s bothering you? That’s not a smile. That’s more of a wince, that is. Do I really look that bad this morning?” he asked the last as he turned to face one of the more reflective panels on the walls of the TARDIS and began to straighten out his suit.

“No, no. Doctor, stop. It’s not you,” she said tiredly, crossing the room and stilling the hand that was still attempting to fix his attire. When she realized that she had kept the contact for too long she dropped his hand and stepped back a bit. He looked at her strangely but didn’t speak. After another moment of silence, he cleared his throat again to get her to look up at him. When she did meet his eyes, he gestured with his hand for her to continue speaking.

She sighed and walked out of the room, her body language indicating that he should follow. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his trousers and followed her through the winding halls of the TARDIS. When he caught up to her she was seated in an armchair in the library. The Doctor paused briefly in the doorway and swallowed. For the first time, he realized that he had not been in the library since Rose had… Well, he hadn’t been in the library. It had been he and Rose’s place. His mind flashed back to times in both his ninth and tenth bodies when they had spent quiet evenings in the library, each curled up on the couch with a book – him often a science-y book on temporal physics or some sort and her with a sappy romance novel. He looked around appraisingly and saw that that couch was not in the library any longer, at least not at the moment. After a moment he chook himself from his thoughts and he made his way over to where Martha was seated, taking the armchair that was sitting opposite her own.

He tried to sit patiently and wait for her to begin speaking on his own, but after a minute or two the memories of this room, that he hadn’t had a chance to face yet, became too much and he began to fidget and wiggle in the seat. “So, Martha, is there a reason that you paraded me all through the TARDIS or did you just—”

“I saw her,” she blurted out, abruptly cutting him off. At the shocked look on his face she plowed on. “I saw her, Rose, last night. I heard you talking in the control room and I was wondering why you were still awake, so I went to check on you. And when I got there you were talking to no one, and then when I was about to leave… Well, she was just there. And I’m sure it was her. But, what I don’t understand is why? Why did you tell me that she was lost? I mean, I thought she was dead or something the way you kept going on about her. But she was alive, she was there, I saw her.” She paused for breath and looked at him, expecting an answer.

For a moment he just stared at her, his mouth still hanging open from his initial shock. Then, quickly, very quickly, he stood up and began to walk toward the doors to the library. When he reached them, he let out a sound half way between a groan and a scream of frustration. He scrabbled at the door where the handle should have been and began muttering curses directed toward his TARDIS and threatening the time ship in a very violent manner. At last he gave up and just stood facing the door, refusing to turn around to meet Martha’s gaze.

Martha had risen halfway out of her seat when he had begun to move and now stood frozen there, not knowing how to react to his behavior. She looked, for all the world, like a frightened animal that was about to bolt. As the Time Lord stood at the doorway, attempting to regain control of his breathing, there was a flash of gold in the library and he silently let out a whole other string of Gallifreyan curses as he whirled to face Rose.

“What are you doing?! You shouldn’t be here, you’re wasting time,” he continued babbling, working himself up into an emotion that was somewhere between rage and desperation. He kept on running his hands through his hair and attempting to shoo her away. He began counting the seconds as she just stood there. His wild eyes flew to Martha over Rose’s shoulder and his ramblings adjusted to begin blaming her for Rose’s wasting of  _his_  time with her.

He should have seen it coming, her really should have. The second he started in on Martha the look in Rose’s eyes had changed. He should have stopped then, but it wasn’t until he felt the stinging on his cheek that he realized that Rose had slapped him, hard. For a moment, everything was quiet. Martha stood, shocked, next to the armchair that she had been sitting in. She felt her hand go to her face in a mirror of the Doctor’s own actions. When the Doctor looked up to meet Rose’s eyes she simply turned around and made her way back toward Martha and sat in the chair he had recently vacated.

Numbly, the Time Lord followed her. He perched himself on the arm of the chair as Martha once again lowered herself into her seat. The blonde looked at the Doctor as if to gauge whether he was recovered enough to participate in the conversation. Then she began, “Well, firs’ off, Doctor. I’s my time too. This arrangement isn’ an excuse for you t’ get possessive. I will come an’ go when I wan’ and if I wish to speak to Martha, I should be allowed to do so. Any  _wasting_ of  _my_ time is most definitely _not_ her fault.” She looked at him with a raised brow as if she expected him to comment. When he didn’t, she continued speaking, “Second, now tha’ she’s seen and pu’ certain things t’gether, she has a righ’ to an explanation. I’m here t’ make sure tha’ you talk. If you agree to give her tha’ explanation without any trouble then I’ll go.” She looked at him again. When he nodded dumbly she smiled softly. She gave a quick smile to Martha and then leaned in to kiss the Doctor on the cheek before she reassimilated into the TARDIS in yet another flash of gold.

The Doctor slid sideways into the empty seat and covered his face with his hands. Martha opened her mouth to speak. The Doctor, seeming to sense this, simply put one finger up. “Just, give me a moment, will you?” Her jaw snapped shut and she sat back in her seat, observing the man before her.

The pair sat still for a long while. The fireplace in the wall crackled loudly while the Doctor gathered his thoughts. He sat there, with his elbows planted on his knees and his head in his hands. After a few minutes he raised his head and placed his chin on his tented hands. He looked to his right, refusing to meet Martha’s eyes, and stared into the fire. The fire reminded him of the Time War and the screams of his people as his planet burned. He closed his eyes tightly and set his jaw. After a few more moments of silence, during which he heard Martha shift quite a few times, he finally sighed and looked up into her dark eyes.

Knowing that there was no easy way to explain it he decided to take the direct route. “Rose Tyler is dead… mostly.” Seeing the confused look on her face he raised his hand. “Please, just let me get this all out. If you still have questions at the end, then I’ll answer them, if I can.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes again.  _‘It is too early in the morning for me to be having this conversation.’_

In his mind he heard Rose’s snarky response,  _‘No morning or night in the TARDIS, dear. Time is relative.’_  Outwardly he groaned and met Martha’s eyes again. “She died. She was dead for almost two hours before I brought her in here. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but the TARDIS preserved her. She wrapped my little blonde girl up into the folds of her own heart and she is keeping my Rose alive. The catch is,” his voice caught in his throat and he paused for a moment, blinking the tears back quickly. “The catch is that she can only physically manifest for 24 hours out of every Earth year that passes in the TARDIS. Well, I guess I should be glad that the TARDIS was measuring in Earth years or else it would be 33 hours every 513 days. Well, that would be going by the Gallifreyan year, which would make the most sense, but Rose is human so—”

“Hold on, so you’re saying that she’s dead, but she’s also alive?” Martha was visibly having trouble wrapping her mind around the concept.

“Yeah, she sort of became part of the TARDIS. Think of it like one big life support system. That’s how she explained it to me. Anyways, the rest of the time she can see and hear what is going on inside the TARDIS, much like the consciousness of the TARDIS does—”

“What? Wait, slow down. The TARDIS is conscious?” Martha was struggling to keep up now that the Doctor was back to speaking at his normal lightspeed pace.

“Yeah… I told you that she was sentient, didn’t I?” he scrubbed his neck with his hand, “Welll, maybe not. Well, now you know. Anyways, I talk to Rose, tell her about my day and then we sort of, ration the time…” He trailed off, not wanting to get into the more personal aspects of what that part of the arrangement entailed. He continued softly, “It’s hard, only being able get a glimpse of her here and there. Almost drove me mad the first month or so. That’s why she told me that I needed to find someone. A hand to hold, someone to travel with. You see, the other catch is that she can’t leave the TARDIS. Life-support, right?”

He looked down at his hands before continuing, catching Martha’s eyes, “So, I’m sorry, if y’know, I mention her a little too much while we’re out there,” he gestured widely to indicate the world outside the TARDIS, “And I get that this will be hard, and maybe you won’t even be able to get yourself around it, and I guess that’s okay too. I can always take you home, I mean, I suppose, you’ll want to go home now. I think the only reason you came along was because you fancied me and, well…” He let the sentence drop and he hung his head over his hands. He didn’t want her to go, he needed her just as much as he needed Rose, he could see that now. But this, how could he expect anyone to get around this? That was the reason he had kept it from her in the first place.

“Oh, shut up,” Martha said quietly. “Yeah, it’s… odd. But, hey, travelling with you, what isn’t, right? So, you have your girlfriend integrated with your ship, so what?”

The Doctor interrupted her there. “She’s not- We’re not…” he trailed off, blushing as he felt a raised eyebrow from Rose. _‘Girlfriend just seems a little insignificant, don’t you think?’_ he thought to her privately. Hearing her happy agreement, he smiled. They’d talk about whatever labels they wanted to use later.

“Anyways…” Martha said, glancing up to the ceiling quickly before dropping her gaze back to the Doctor. “You still need that hand to hold, right? Mine is right here.” She held her hand out and wiggled her fingers.

“Wh- You’re staying with me?” He asked, stunned and not yet daring to believe it. Though when she offered her hand, he smiled gratefully, his eyes watering, took it.

“Yeah! I mean, you’re right. I do fancy you. And that might take a while for me to, erm, y’know. But it’s not just that Doctor. You took me to see Shakespeare and the moon! Well I guess the moon wasn’t your doing, strictly speaking… But you know what I mean, Doctor. Life here, with you, in the TARDIS, it’s brilliant.” She looked at him brightly, her eyes sparkling as she remembered how much fun she had already had and how much more she would have on their adventures to come.

The Doctor sighed heavily as he looked into her eyes. He knew that look; they all had it at first. He dropped her hand. “Martha, it’s not all fun and running and laughs. Yesterday, on New Earth, you almost  _died_ , Martha. Rose  _died_. This life isn’t always safe, and I can’t promise that I can keep you safe. I tried making that promise once,” he felt a lump form in his throat as he thought of Jackie. Jackie who thought that her daughter was still with him. Jackie who would never know what really happened to Rose. “He shook his head lightly. “I wasn’t able to keep it,” he said simply.

Martha’s face fell as the reality of his words hit her. She thought for a moment before she leaned forward and reached out to place her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her. “But isn’t that the point? The Universe isn’t a safe place Doctor. Earth isn’t even a safe place. If I go back there now, who’s to say that I won’t get killed by an alien there? Or even just a random accident? Car crash? Allergic reaction? There are any number of things that could kill me. At least with you I stand a chance. At least with you I’m making a difference. And if you need a hand to hold to get you through the day so that you can keep doing what you’re doing, then I’m only too happy to help.”

The Time Lord beamed at her and swept her up into a hug. “Oh Martha Jones, we’re going to have some of the greatest adventures, I just know it.”

In the back of his mind the Doctor could feel the smug looks and smirks that the TARDIS and Rose were sending his way. He smiled.  _‘Okay, so I’ve found my hand to hold. Now what? Allons-y!’_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the 'originally posted' chapters from 2013. From here on out, the work is being re-picked up in 2018. Wish me luck!


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